How He Led

It has been almost a year since I have been home from Swaziland, and it is so beautiful to look back and see how God led. I went home feeling so free to just throw myself wholeheartedly into my last semester. I did, and it was my favorite semester. Ten days before graduation I got asked to come on staff with the Not For Sale Campaign, so I worked for them for seven months. I learned so much and God used that job to teach me a lot about His heart and the limitlessness of His love.

At the end of April/beginning of May, I traveled for a week with the organization Invisible Children and God made it clear I was supposed to apply to work with them this fall. I did, and the doors all opened very wide, confirming even more this was what I was supposed to do. Yesterday, I boarded a plane to San Diego and moved into a house with 59 other people. I am about to experience community in a way I never have before. I will be working here in the IC office for a month, and then going with my amazing teammates to tour through TN, KY, VA, NC, and SC. Then I will be back in San Diego for a month before heading home for Christmas. This is so much more incredible than the plans I could have planned. I love that He led this way.

Plans

"I want you to show love, not offer sacrifices. I want you to know Me more than I want burnt offerings." - Hosea 6:6

I have been back in the States for a number of weeks now. I have been meaning that entire time to write a final blog filled with summaries and closure and lessons learned, and I am finally getting around to doing so.

Most of you know that one of my main prayers going back to Africa was for clarity. I had literally been thinking that I would spend three months in Swazi, come home, finish my last semester of college, and move to Africa in January. I expected to go there and have God say "Faith, this is Africa, this is My plan for your life," but instead what He whispered into my heart steadily for three months caught me off guard and humbled me: "Faith, here I am. I am My plan for your life."

I am not surrendering to a plan or to Africa; I am surrendering to the person of Jesus Christ. What the details of that surrender look like for my life is irrelevant if I am really focused on being surrendered to Him. He will let me know those things in His time. In a way that is not clarity, but this is the clearest confusion has ever been for me.

I have no idea what I am doing in January, but He does.

I have not the faintest clue what I will be doing in a year, and that's how it's supposed to be right now.

I know nothing, but He knows everything, and if I know Him, that is all that should matter.

Since I was a (nerdy) fourteen year old, one of my favorite poets has been Sara Teasdale. I always reveled in the simplicity of her poems. A few years ago I was re-reading some of her work, and I found this poem, written for her husband:

I am not yours, not lost in you,
Not lost, although I long to be
Lost as a candle lit at noon,
Lost as a snowflake in the sea.

You love me, and I find you still
A spirit beautiful and bright,
Yet I am I, who long to be
Lost as a light is lost in light.

Oh plunge me deep in love - put out
My senses, leave me deaf and blind,
Swept by the tempest of your love,
A taper in a rushing wind.

That poem has become my heart's most earnest plea. I still have so far to go to be fully His. The more I surrender, the more I realize I still have left to surrender. I want my life to be so "lost" in the glory of His Kingdom, plunged so deep in His love, that I sincerely am not concerned with what specifically that tapering away of self looks like for my life.

I saw lions yesterday. They are what pretty much every American that comes to Africa really wants to see, and I was no exception. However, my joy at seeing them was deeper than a tourist's satisfaction and bigger than the wonder of seeing the "King of Beasts" in the wild. Let me explain:

I am not sure I really let on how terrified I was to leave home and come alone to a country I had never even been to before. I'd have people tell me I was very brave, and I would think "You wouldn't say that if you only knew how not brave I feel..."

The day before I flew out, my family went to see the most recent Chronicles of Narnia movie, "Prince Caspian." While I agree with many people that the movie was not as good as it could have been (a Susan/Caspian romance? Really now?), I strangely identified with the character of Lucy and her encounters with Aslan. I can't even explain how I felt sitting in that theater with my family, knowing what I had to do the next day, and watching Lucy reply to Aslan requesting her to do something she didn't understand that seemed too big for her "I wish I was more brave."

I said that to God so many times, and Aslan's reply, "If you were any more brave, you'd be a lioness." constantly reminded me that bravery pertains to action, not feeling.

On Saturday night, the team living next door had their last movie night and let me join them, as usual. We watched the original "Chronicles of Narnia." It was such an interesting experiece for me watching that near the end of my time in Africa. I was reminded of how true much of the analogy of God as an untamed lion is. Following Him is not safe, but He is good.

I had to go to South Africa this week, so as not to have to pay a large sum of money to the Swazi government for overstaying my 30 days allowed upon entry into Swaziland. Julie, one of the AIM missionaries here, was so kind and allowed me to come along with her and her precious daughter Ellie, to Nelspruit on Tuesday and Wednesday. The team I am close to was spending their last few days in Africa in Nelspruit, and it worked out perfectly for me to tag along with them to Kruger National Park. I had always wanted to go to Kruger, and it was incredible to get to go with the team that had loved on me and adopted me into their team the last two months. Within the first few hours we saw tons of buffalo, rhinos, zebras, giraffes (my favorite!), crocodiles, monkeys, and many kinds of antelope, but... I really wanted to see a lion. One of the girls in my safari vehicle said she was praying we'd see one in plain sight, without the obstruction of trees and bushes. Our driver Lynne (Lynne= amazing. I could listen to her tell stories for hours of how relational elephants are and how trees protect themselves from giraffes overgrazing) heard over her walkie that 2 lions had been spotted, so we sped off from a sighting of about 30 hippos. We were so excited, but were met with bitter disappointment when lions were nowhere to be seen.

Our disappointment grew when a group from the team briefly saw the lions before they disappeared again. There are around 2,000 lions in Kruger, but Kruger is seriously massive. The park is bigger than all of Israel; several Swazilands could fit into it. Everyone I had talked to that had been to Kruger said they had not seen lions.

I began praying "Lord, I know this is probably a very selfish and stupid prayer, but I would really love it if You would allow me to see a lion."

A few minutes later, I saw 2. One of them even walked across the road in front of us.

This is not exactly a safe place. Swaziland is incredible, and there are certainly more dangerous places I could have been sent, but last week alone a missionary family here in Swazi was robbed while they slept in their home in a "safe" area of the country and the World Race team that stayed at the house and I became friends with was robbed at gunpoint in Joburg. Emotionally and spiritually, it has been very unsafe as well. My heart is heavy with goodbyes and endings and the general suffering I've seen here. Also, one of my closest friends' Mom died a few days ago, and my heart is wanting so badly to get home to her while dreading final goodbyes to the people here.

The Lord has been teaching me so much though. Today, I feel He is teaching me that despite all circumstances, joy is a choice. Devendra Banhart put it best, I think: "We've know, we've known, we've had a choice; we chose rejoice."

Today, despite my breaking heart and the fact that there is a lot I don't understand right now, I choose to rejoice and find my rest, my comfort, my purpose, and my all in Who He is.

Because, after all, He is not safe, but He is good.

a "typical" week

I realize I haven't given you all a very clear picture of what life here is like, so I will try to quickly give you an idea of a "typical" week here.

Sunday: Church usually lasts about 3 hours. I have recently been going to a church in a rural area called Timbutini, and I love it. It is simply beautiful. The people have very little and they are all so sincere. People are given a chance to share what God is teaching them, and they are allowed to randomly burst into song when they feel led. I sit on the concrete floor against the wall in the one-room building. I usually have a Swazi child in my lap and a GoGo(grandmother)by my side. Sunday afternoons are usually relaxed, and I do laundry or journal.

Monday: Mondays are off days. The first few here I rested in the morning and went to a carepoint in the afternoon, but I have been going to ministry sites with the team that has been staying at the team house on those days recently. I go to hospitals, homes for the severely ill, care points, or just walk around town making friends. I only have one Monday left, and I hope to go back to many of those places to tell people goodbye. The team has left now, but I would feel comfortable going alone now. Monday nights I have been "leading" a discipleship group of 8 girls from the team. Since they are gone now, that is over.

Tuesday: Tuesdays afternoons are office days for Cherish, but I really don't need to do office work, so I have been going with the team and doing ministry like on Mondays.

Wednesday: Wednesday morning are spent in the office. We have a prayer/devotion time together. Wednesday afternoons the Cherish team divides up and goes to two seperate schools. Phumlile and Hlonphile go to John Wesley High in Mbabane, and Zabiba and I (and the last few weeks a girl or two from the team have been joining us) go to Ngwane Central High in Nhlangano. This school is filled with very shy girls. There are about 40 girls here. The drive is around 1 1/2 hours. Also on Wednesdays we stop by the house of a precious woman named Make Zwane and drop off boxes of food for her to take to a village of starving people. We generally get home around 5:30 or 6, and Wednesday nights were the other discipleship group time.

Thursday: Office/prayer/devotion time in the morning and then Mlumati High on the SA border. It is around an hour or more away, and there are probably around 50-60 girls there on average. I get home around 6.

Friday: Office/prayer/devotion time in the morning, and then we go to Siteki Nazarene High near the Mozambique border. We don't leave until 2, and we don't get home until around 7. This school is my favorite. There are around 80 girls doing Cherish there. Friday nights vary a lot. I stay home, or go to friend's houses, or have people over.

Saturday: Recently I have been spending Saturdays with the team doing fun stuff in different places around Swazi, like Mantenga Falls. This upcoming Saturday will be my last in Swazi, and I am planning to go back to Dolly's school on the rock.

I hope this gives you a clearer picture of what I am doing here in Swaziland. It is hard to believe I will be home in 2 weeks.

Oh, and while I am blogging... yesterday I went alone to a game reserve to just enjoy God's creation. It was amazing! Here is me with 5 sleeping hippos:

Mlondi

Last week I met a little boy named Mlondi. He, however, has not met me. I am very sure he is dying, and since it's been a few days now since I've been able to visit him, he may already be so. His parents both already are. Mlondi was in so much pain he was unaware of his surroundings. His eyes are swollen shut and look as if they will never open again. His face is coming off. His tiny, 9 year old body is covered with terrible sores. The sores on his face have come off, leaving his face looking as if his skin melted off. Most of his face is missing. While I was there the first time, he laborously lifted his finger and tried to scratch what he probably didn't know was really just a giant hole that used to be the left side of his face, causing more of his skin to come off and hang from the tip of his tiny finger. Due to the fact his parents are dead and he is covered in sores, I am almost certain he is HIV positive, and this is an AIDS related case. His father had multiple wives and 15 kids total, so he left 15 kids fatherless, and his wives and kids have a very high chance of being HIV positive. Mlondi's Gogo (grandmother) Elina has been sitting by his bedside for a month now. Mlondi is the oldest of the 15 kids, so Elina probably has numerous other bedsides to sit beside after Mlondi is gone. One of Mlondi's brothers is already beginning to get sick. Elina is tired and sad and lonely. I have tried to spend time just sitting with her, but the visiting hours in the hospital are limited, and I have Cherish obligations. When I am there, it is hard. The first time, I had a translator with me. When I go alone, I do not. She doesn't speak English, which means all she can understand from me is basically a greeting, a thank you, and an I love you. Last time I went to see her, all I could really do was point to myself, make praying hands, and then point to her and her grandson.

What is the correct response to this? I have absolutely no idea.

"Oh, what am I to think
of what the writing of a thousand lifetimes
could not explain
if all the forest trees were pens
and all the oceans - ink?"
-mewithoutYou

Give Me An Undivided Heart...

Things here have been going very well lately. Although there have been a lot of frustrations with schools canceling school for sports competitions, God has worked through it all. Last week we had 40 girls accept Christ through the Cherish study!


It is hard to believe my time in Swaziland is over halfway over. On one hand, I can't wait to hug my family, get coffee/tea/soup/Moe's (and Olive Garden, Lorien!) with all of wonderful friends back home, and sleep in my own bed with my cat snuggled up in my arms. There is no denying that it is not easy being this far away from the people I love so much. On the other hand, I love life here so incredibly much. I love spending my days with orphans and vulnerable children. I love going to the schools and being with the high school girls. I love going to the hospitals and spending time with the kids in the kids ward and praying with and listening to mothers of sick/dying children. Getting to pour a little love and acceptance into the lives of the poor and the hurting and the sick is heartbreaking and emotionally tolling, but something about it is so incredibly fulfilling. While there are definite "Where is God in this?" moments, Jesus can be seen so clearly in the eyes of the "least of these." I love living here. I love how I see people I know when I am driving and grocery shopping. I love the girls on my team and the bond we have. I love the amusing intercultural moments that permeate life here. I love living in Africa. I don't even want to think about how badly my heart will be hurting when it is time for me to leave. Being back in Africa has felt like a sort of homecoming. I missed it so much these last 2 years. Now that I feel so at home here, how badly will it hurt to go home and readjust to life in surburban America? I know Africa is not a done chapter in my life. I just don't know what that means for my life. Am I supposed to move here? Should I go ahead and get my Master's? Should I look for a job with a non-profit that does work in Africa? What does the fact that my heart is in Africa mean for the rest of my life?

Right now, I have more questions than answers, but I know I serve a God who has the answers. I know that He hasn't called me to know the next steps, but to trust Him step by step. That has to be enough for me now. Today though, I am in Africa, and I want to be all here while I am here.

I am not Mowgli

Here is a blog from June 12; this is the first chance I've had to upload it. I don't have much time now even, but please be in prayer for my team. This has been a very rough week. I don't have time to go into a lot of details, but 2 girls on our team have been robbed in 2 seperate incidents. Our spirits have all been very discouraged this week.

6/12
Today was filled with very humurous cultural moments. We drove to the schools as usual. Everything went incredibly well at today's school, Mlumati High. It was so amazing to see teenage girls teaching their peers about how very much God loves and treasures them and about how much value each one of them has as individuals. These were the main points of today's lesson on identity. On Thursdays we go back a different way than we came, since Zabiba needs to go home to Mbabane. We drive through Pigg's Peak, which is a very beautiful drive. Today they had me take a little detour, so I could see the dam. This dam is apparently the pride of the Swazis. They were so proud of the dam. They asked if the US had dams, and when I answered in the affirmative, they wanted to know how superior the Swazi dam was to all other dams I had ever seen. I assured them it was the most beautiful dam I had ever beheld, which it was. Although, I must admit, I was much more enamored with the mountains and the river and the sunset and the little waterfall (and the "Beware of Hippos" sign!) than the dam itself. It was a quality dam though.

A little while later, my ipod shuffle turned to The Beatles. I asked if they had ever heard of The Beatles. They hadn't! I had to remedy that at once, so I carefully selected my favorite Beatles songs to introduce them to each other. After about 5 songs, I asked, "Girls, do you like The Beatles so far?" They all replied ,"No." Zabiba clarified for me: "Faith, they are very white. Look at us." Oh, well, I tried...

By far though, my favorite cultural moment of the day happened as I almost turned too soon to get on the highway to Mbabane. the girls kept saying "Faith, where are we going?" and "Tell us the story." and "Faith, would you like us to be your bridesmaids?" I was so confused, and they kept saying the same questions over and over. Finally, Hlonphile asked a question that made me begin to realize what they were talking about. She said "Faith, why were you taking us to the man village?" I was astounded. A MAN VILLAGE?! Yes, folks back home, there is a MAN VILLAGE. I didn't know that phrase existed outside of "The Jungle Book." I am still not really that clear on what exactly a man village is, although it sounds eerily similar to a monastary...